Useful Tips

I feel good alone


This article is co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudy Griffin is a licensed psychotherapist from Wisconsin. Received a master's degree in clinical psychotherapy from Marquette University in 2011.

The number of sources used in this article is 24. You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

It is difficult for many people to feel happy alone with themselves. If you are not meeting anyone, or if you cannot feel happy alone, you will surely experience a whole range of feelings: sadness, longing, anger, fear, boredom. Loneliness can negatively affect a person’s mental state, his physical health and ability to think. To believe that you can feel happy without being dependent on someone else, you need to learn to listen to yourself, enjoy your personal time and work on relationships with others.

I am afraid of "exposure"

“This position is a kind of protective mechanism that helps to cope with a feeling of dissatisfaction and anxiety,” continues psychologist Victoria Dubinskaya, “it often arises in childhood.” If the parents told the child that he was the smartest, strongest and, in general, the very best, then already in adulthood a person often has a complex of discrepancy with expectations: each meeting with other people gives rise to a fear of discovering one’s commonness, the fear of “exposure”. “Such people tend to blame others for their failures,” continues Victoria Dubinskaya, “and do not dare to ask themselves the question:“ Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong?"

I had an injury

The propensity for solitude may be the result of traumatic memories. 36-year-old Ruslan stutters since childhood. “I dreamed of real friendship,” he recalls, “but my lack made me the most unpopular in school. Then I decided that I did not need an insincere relationship, but I would gain respect for myself in another way. ” Ruslan graduated from the university and became a sought-after programmer, but his circle of communication is still very limited. “The first unsuccessful communication experience, humiliation, resentment cause distrust of people, the desire to fence themselves off from them, ”explains Victoria Dubinskaya. “It's easier to lead a reclusive lifestyle than to decide once again to take a step towards others.”

I am unarmed before the world

An exceptionally closed way of life is often explained by fear of other people, society and the world - a person defends himself from them, flaunting with love for loneliness. “The world is dangerous,” says 25-year-old Elena. - Terrorism, theft, lies, betrayal - with all this I come across every day. Only at home, in solitude, do I feel relatively safe. ” However, none of us can live completely alonesays Gestalt therapist Nina Golosova: “Our psyche is designed in such a way that for our development we need impressions. This feature encourages us to communicate with the world. "

I can not communicate

“Since childhood, I lived with my mother and grandmother,” says 32-year-old Olga, “guests have rarely been in our house.” Now it’s good for me to be alone with myself, but I dream of letting other people into my life, but I don’t know how to do it. ” “Communication skills need to learn, - says the psychotherapist Adolf Harash. - But it is important to understand another thing: despite the fact that a person is social, he is alone in birth and death. So, loneliness is not an individual phenomenon, but an objective universal fact of being - regardless of whether we are aware of it or not.

Our life begins from infancy, when we feel lonely, and in adulthood, from time to time, we need to return to this state in order to feel our integrity again. ”

10. amazing tips on how to accept loneliness:

  1. You will recover

Often when we are surrounded by other people, we put in a lot of energy. We try to make others happy, make laugh, support the ego of the people we communicate with, feel their emotions and do everything that happens with regular interaction with loved ones and not so people.
Constant interaction with other people can be mentally tiring. A little loneliness allows you to "recharge the batteries" and take a break from the emotional and psychological charge (often negative)

2. You will think more about your life. (it is very important!)

Life is constantly moving with great speed, years fly by, often we don’t notice it at all. Everything happens so quickly that in reality there is rarely time to sit in silence and think about your life.
Solitude provides an excellent opportunity to think about everything. By investing so much time in analyzing the thoughts and feelings of others, loneliness can be the best moment to focus on the inner part of yourself.
Solitude provides an ideal opportunity to listen and think about your life, what we really want and what we don’t.

3. You will interact with your emotions.

When you are surrounded by other people, you are constantly trying to understand and respond to the emotions of other people. Sometimes, to such an extent that you can end up losing contact with your own emotions. When you start enjoying solitude, you can get a great perspective on your own emotions. You will become more aware and understand what makes you happy, what makes you upset and what makes you sad. When you begin to better understand your emotions, it will be easier for you to regulate them. But it all starts with an understanding of how and what you feel, in certain circumstances, for this you need to spend a little time alone.

4. You will start to dowhat you really love

Being constantly in the company of other people, we always find compromises in order to find a solution that will come at the time of the whole company. But, unfortunately, what you want does not always coincide with what most want. Therefore, you can simply enjoy being alone, you will begin to realize that this gives you more freedom to do what you really want, without thinking about the opinions of others.

5. You will become more productive

Being in the company of other people is fun and interesting, but it can also seriously affect productivity. There are times when the company of other people becomes a distraction from the work you want to do. Especially if it is a creative activity. Time spent in solitude may be the most productive time of your life, mainly due to fewer distractions, so you can focus and do what you want.

6. You will enjoy relationships with other people more.

When you regularly spend some time alone, you begin to feel comfortable, you will begin to understand that you like to communicate with other people, and when it becomes uncomfortable, you can retire. This is because time spent alone makes it possible to realize the price of yourself and the people around you. Loneliness also gives you a feeling of gratitude to all the great things that came from relationships with other people that you hadn’t even thought about before.

7. You will feel more independent.

Once you begin to enjoy being alone, you will feel more confident in your ability to be yourself, which will lead you to a greater sense of independence.
You will no longer feel fear even if you have no one to talk to. You will not feel the need for constant interaction with other people, or anxiety when there is nobody around you.

8. You will rest from the constant desire to make everyone around you happy.

Life consists of relationships and most relationships last as long as both parties are happy. At one point, this can turn into a grueling job. This applies not only to close relationships, but also to friendships and relationships with employees, etc.
In moments of loneliness, all that a person can worry about at a given moment is himself. You can afford the things that make you happy, which can have the opposite effect on someone.

9. You don’t have to apologize to anyone

When you begin to enjoy in your solitude, you will notice that you do not need to apologize to anyone for what you have done. Often, we do things that other people don’t like and it affects their feelings, after which you need to quickly apologize for it. When you are in seclusion you do not need to apologize to anyone to make excuses for anything. This relieves stress in many situations. Alone, you don’t have to weigh every word and every step you take, because you are afraid that someone will be offended, angry or stop talking to you.

10. You will cease to constantly seek approval

We so often feel that we should be supported by friends, family and like-minded people in all our endeavors. We are constantly looking for other people's advice on what we should do.
Of course, there are times in which it is perfectly acceptable to seek advice when it is really necessary. However, there are moments in which we are perfectly able to act alone, but still we expect the approval of others.
When you spend more time alone, you will learn to trust your instincts and make decisions without the need for approval from others.

Remember you are not chocolate that everyone would like!

Personal experience

Alexey, 34 years old, literary critic

“My parents were in conflict all the time, and I went into my room and started reading. I felt deprived, and this prevented me from communicating with my peers: I did not know how to be friends, but I easily sore, ignored others and was offended. I convinced myself that I did not need others, but actually suffered from loneliness. The meeting with my beloved woman turned everything upside down in my life: I learned to give and feel needed, my relations at work improved, my friends made. Now I feel happy, and my life is full of meaning. "

Do not avoid people, moreover, take the initiative in a new relationship. Take the first step towards, try to establish contact with those who you like. Help someone who asks for your help. Share something with others, for example, let them watch a new movie or read a book to colleagues at work.

Turn to the outside world

Whatever the fear of other people is caused by, it always makes us feel like the target of other people's views and opinions. To stop worrying about this, you first need to learn not to get hung up on yourself: be interested in other people, ask them questions ... Take your time to distance yourself, on the contrary, take a closer look at them. Learning to value others, you will feel that you are interesting and valuable to them.